SNL attacks... Obama?

[Transcript provided for the hearing impaired courtesy of Glenn Beck.]

Obama: Good evening and congratulations to Rio for getting the 2016 Olympics. And to the Olympic Committee I say, "Good luck with Rio."

Now, last year I was elected with a mandate to bring this country "Change we could believe in" and as time has passed, it has become clear that this promise is troubling to some people. There are those on the right who are angry. They think that I'm turning this great country into something that resembles the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany. But that's just not the case. Because when you look at my record, it's very clear what I've done so far and that is... nothing. (Laughter). Nada. Almost one year and nothing to show for it. You don't believe me? You think I'm making it up? Take a look at this checklist.

Now, on my first day in office... (laughter), in my first day in office I said I've closed Guantanamo Bay. Is it closed yet? No. (Laughter). I said we'd be out of Iraq. Are we? Not the last time I checked. (Laughter). I said I'd make improvements in the war in Afghanistan. Is it better? No, I think it's actually worse. (Laughter). How about health care reform? Hell no. (Laughter). I even, I even went personally to try to bring the Olympics to Chicago in 2016. It didn't work out. But in this case there's some good news with the bad. For every person who buys an American car in the next six months, you're going to get... one of these. (Laughter)

Now, I just don't see why the right is so riled up. I mean, how do you think the left feels? They are the ones that should be mad. Now, I'm sure they thought I would have addressed at least one of the following things by now: Global warming. No. Immigration reform? No. Gays in the military? Nuh‑uh. Limits on executive powers? No. Torture prosecutions? No.

So looking at this list I'm seeing two big accomplishments: Jack and squat. (Laughter). And remember, I can do whatever I want. I have a majority in both houses of congress. I could make it mandatory for all gays to marry and require all cars to run on marijuana, but do I? No. (Laughter).

But it's not all bad news. I have a few accomplishments. The Cash For Clunkers program really stimulated the economy. Unfortunately it was the economy of Japan. (Laughter). Let's see what else. Also I killed a fly on TV. Remember that? (Laughter). I brought a white police officer and a black professor together for a beer. Who else could do that? (Laughter). You're right. Oprah. But, no one else. (Laughter).

So please stop saying this country is on the road to socialism. If that were actually the case, I'd be making some real changes. Instead it took me four months to pick out a dog. So all of you frothing Glenn Beck supporters, put away those tricorner hats and those PhotoShop pictures of me as the Joker because if I see any more of this hateful rhetoric, I'm going to have to take drastic action... nah, not really. (Laughter).